Do things ever get better???

So it has been 7 weeks and 3 days since Scott and I have been home from the hospital and life is harder than I ever could have imagened. Every day I wake up, get ready, and get on with life and my heart is just broken. I just want to be pregnant and have a baby that would be 27 weeks and 3 days old. i am tired of not feeling my baby in my tummy, i'm tired of having all this baby fat and no baby to show for it, i'm tired of strech marks and no baby to show for it. all i have is a grave sight to go to and put flowers on. I am totally mad at the world and i don't understand why this had to happen to Scott and I. I was so excited to be having a little boy, and now finding out that my two sisters are also having boys would have made it so much fun, they would have been the 3 amiogos! But for some reason that i don't know why there will just be the two of them. I am having a hard time with alot of things, its hard to sit in primary and watch all the little kids because i know that i wont ever get to see Joseph in there singing his articles of faith and preparing for the primary program, I have a hard time seeing so many pregnant women walking around with out a care in the world, its hard to see moms with new babies, because i only got to have my new baby for a couple of hours. I don't understand why this had to happen to us and now I am so scared to have a baby. I can't lose another one, I can't go through all of this again. All I want right now is to kiss my baby every day and it kills me to know that i wont be able to kiss him any more. I want to change his stinky little diapers. There are so many things I want to do with Joseph that I will just have to wait to do with him.

I am not sure that I am ready for this i'm not ready to deal with losing my baby I really miss my little boy. I really want to be a mom to my son right now I have such a longing to be a mom and to take care of my son. This is so hard. But I do feel very proud to be a mom to my sweet angel he did so much for Scott and I, he came for this short time on earth to bring bring Scott and I so close together and to help grow our testomonies. The other night Scott and I decided to go to the temple and while i was there I had this overwhelming love wrapped around my body and I knew that Joseph was there giving me a big hug and letting me now that he was safe and having so much fun. I can't explain how greatful I am for the temple and for the gospel. Lately I have felt so alone but as soon as I walked into the temple I knew that joseph was there and heavenly father was there and I know that they were both letting me know how much they love me. I really miss my baby Joseph and I have had a hard time accepting the fact that I can't raise him right now. It feels like so many things have happened lately and as things are slowing down reality is setting in and it is harder than ever. but I am greatful for my sweet husband who is handeling the stress of everything that has happened so well. Scott your amazing and I love you so much. I just want everyone to know that Joseph was a perfect baby and he was not a miscarriage. He was a perfect little baby and everything was developed, everything was just very small. If I didn't have a weak cervix then he would have been born to us in december as the perfect baby, but because i can't support a child over 10 oz my body had to deliver him. I felt Joseph movine inside me just an hour before he was born and i fell asleep feeling my baby moving. I all of the sudden woke up to the worst contractions and Joseph was born but had passed away just before he was born. I know that i have a perfect baby, who my have been a still born but his sweet spirit was in the hospital room with us. I love my baby and I love my husband, and there is no way I could get through this without Scott. babe your amazing.